Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Raining when it's blooming

I can't seem to shake whatever it is going on inside my head at the moment. I feel sad, yes. The loss of my friend a couple of weeks back has affected me more than I anticipated, if that makes any sense. As if one can put a meter on the level of sadness one is supposed to feel depending on...what? I don't know what. Silly, really. It just feels silly.

I drove down to Raetihi last Wednesday with a couple of ladies for the funeral. The service was beautiful; very intimate and warm despite the number of attendees. We threw flowers on her grave, and then went back to the lodge for a cuppa and a chat with the family before making the 4 and a 1/2 hour drive home. Since then I've felt exhausted. I've not been sleeping well, and my mind and body feels restless. I feel silly, and I keep wondering when I'm going to grow up, or at least grow out of the scattered restlessness that festers in my mind and makes me question everything. The theory of everything. I don't have the capacity for it.

Another Tuesday, another day off to spend time with my son, and of course Mothers' guilt sets in as I can't motivate myself to do anything. So he's on the iPad, and I'm willing myself to get off the couch to take him somewhere. Anywhere. Outside.

In between the part rain, part cloudy, part sunny, and the humidity, I take a glimpse at my garden. It's in full bloom. Everything is flowering. Plants you definitely don't want to be flowering are flowering. It makes for a beautiful display though, even the weeds on the lawn.

Here is our lone chrysalis, still waiting to transform on our very well eaten swan plant. All the other caterpillars marched off one by one, disappearing into the garden somewhere never to be seen again.

Strawberries are still coming on, much to Kien's delight. Looking at this picture I realised I should have set the aperture a little higher so the perfect little budding flower in the background was more in focus. But then again, I specifically wanted to show this flower, shedding its petals and revealing the fruit of its labour. And the imperfect surrounding leaves, well that's just life, isn't it.

So back to my little guy, who has also been restless in the middle of the night; flinging himself all over the bed, waking himself up and moaning and groaning in his dreams. I should take him somewhere, even for a quick walk up the road.

Or maybe the supermarket to get some treats for us both. Yes, I think that's a good plan.

1 comment:

Michelle MacWhirter said...

I had an idea that you had lost a friend through you being tagged in facebook, you have every right to feel as you do. It's tragic and senseless and I am so sad for yourt friend, her family and friends. Take care of yourself xoxox


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